Monday, December 17, 2012

America makes me sick........

How does the rest of the world cope with living cheek by jowl with an overbearing, violent, fundamentalist, ignorant bully of a nation?
This 'land of the free' is responsible in some form or another for possibly the majority of conflict on this planet, thinks the right to bear arms is a fundamental human right and yet professes its 'deeply held christian values' in the most sickeningly hypocritical manner.

I almost vomited in disgust and repulsion at Obama's crocodile tears over  the school shootings. more people are killed by guns in America per year than by terrorism and yet in 'the war on terror' this 'peace loving nation' has killed tens of thousands of innocents, kills children by remote control ( and Obama has even stated that it is, effectively, his hand on the trigger).

And yet we stand by and wring our hands, look the other way, as this profoundly sick society plies us with lies and doublespeak.

Astonishing....or maybe not?

Monday, November 28, 2011

Semiotic Photography / Photographic Semiotics


A Semiotic Photograph may be thought of as a triadic sign comprising:

The signifier
The signified
The Interpretant

The syntax of semiotic photography is the relationship between this triadic sign and the formal structure, the ‘language’, of photography. Composition, colour, focus, satuation, lighting, symbolism etc.

Syntagmatic relationships are the relationships between the elements within the photograph ( or series of photographs) which combine to signify a particular meaning.

Pragmatics of semiotic photography focuses on the interaction and interrelationships between the signifier/signified (the dyadic sign) and the interpretant. Thus the interpretant is an integral part of a semiotic photograph, it cannot exist without interpretation.
Therefore:
A semiotic photograph is a photograph designed expressly to convey meaning. The study of meaning as conveyed by photographs is Photographic semiotics.

Three basic kinds of signs:

-                          Symbolic, ( words, diagrams, pictures) where the relationship between signifier and signified is arbitrary and based on social conventions.
-                          Iconic, where the signifier resembles the signified, a portrait for example.
-                          Indexical, The signifier is caused by the signified. Smoke, the signifier is caused by fire, the signified. An empty pupal case as a signifier for a butterfly, or even for ‘freedom’.

Donotation and connotation.
EG a photograph of a red rose denotes a type of rose, a flowering plant, the connotation is romance or love.

Many photographs are actually Iconic signs where the purpose of the photograph is to be a representation of some object or place, these are not specifically or generally semiotic photographs,  the meaning is simply a representation and no language, formal structure or convention is needed by the interpretant to understand it. This type of photograph may be called ‘documentary’.
Deliberate symbolism is rarer in photographs ( excepting, of course in advertising) and is more what I would like my own semiotic photography to be about. Using arbitrary symbols based on cultural or social convention, such as words to denote the signified and requiring an interpretant to have any meaning. Using syntagmatic relationships between the elements of the photograph that combine, deliberately or accidentally to convey meaning. Intertextuality is an important component here, that is the semiotic reference to other images ( which may be iconic or documentary).

In the 21st century, modern sign systems are controlled principally by mass media who therefore it can be reasoned control the construction of and our interpretation of reality. My semiotic photography seeks to capitalize on and yet negate the need for this method of constructing personal actualities, which can hopefully open up new avenues to creativity and originality as well as a new paradigm for the understanding of photographic content.



Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Seeing beyond 'The Singularity'

Can’t see beyond the forthcoming technological singularity? No problemo my friends as J Industries Multiple Parallel Non Rational Predictor System (MPNRPS- pron ‘MpuhNerp’)® are able to see past the Singularity with absolute clarity


The way we see it is that there are two main types of ‘predictor systems’ currently operating in the human sphere: The ‘Rational’ and the ‘Non Rational’. In Rational Predictor Systems ( RPS’s) one may use a variety of algorithmic mechanisms that are essentially mathematical in nature, they may include some element of extrapolation or finite element analysis, they may be statistically based or knowledge system based, whatever, they will all yield results that give a range of probabilities that are derived and defined by the method being used.

In Non Rational Predictor Systems (NPSs) results may be produced by astrology, various –mancies, The I Ching, strongly held ‘feelings’, ‘hunches’ etc. The main difference between the two systems is that while RPSs give results within a range of probabilities which widen as the time period over which the predictions are being made increases, NPSs give only absolute answers within a range of possibilities which remain the same over the time period.

This difference is absolutely significant, for with a RPS, after a certain time, tF, the width of the range of probabilities will have reached 100% and at this point anything can happen or, putting it another way, no useful information can be found. With a NRPS however, the confidence of the prediction is non time dependant and so if we ask a powerful meteorological computer ‘will it rain in London on this day in 20 years time?’ the result has such a wide margin or error that it is meaningless, in other words a prediction cannot be made. However when we ask a Shaman to give an answer to the same question he or she may well say ‘yes’ or indeed ‘no’.

This means that after tF The NRPS is actually more reliable than the RPS. This then is our rationale for using NRPSs for the prediction of future events that are a long way off or are extremely complex or both.

Back to our singularity. As a mathematical construct it is impossible to know what lies on the other side and therefore we need to fall back on NRPSs to give us some glimpses of what may be in store for us. In order to bring a degree of confidence to the results obtained by NPSs J Industries have introduced a method which we call Multiple Parallel Non Rational Predictions. MPNRP uses an array of NRPSs focused on one question and superimposes the results. For example I use a dream interpretation, tea leaves, I Ching, a drug induced predictive state with something like Ayahuasca, to ask will in rain on this day in twenty years time? Combining the results of these ( and ideally many more divining techniques) will give me a result that will have a degree of confidence built in which while still wide will nevertheless be narrower than the result from a powerful computer.

Utilising MPNRP we can therefore look at the other side of the forthcoming singularity!

And we can make a start immediately because there are already sufficient crackpot ideas sloshing around cyberspace for us to correlate some and get an idea of, for example, when this will be.

No surprises here as it is already widely agreed by those who have gazed into the future using a whole variety of, frankly barmy methods, to see that very many of them agree that it will be in 2012…. So soon? Well, I know, but MPNRP provides ample confirmation that this will be the date.

Here at JAIP - the Jeaunse Advanced Institute for Prediction, we are busy putting incisive questions about the future to a whole range of raving holy men, new age nutters, practitioners of ridiculous –mancies, fortune tellers and clairvoyants and carefully collating their answers. And even at this early stage in our researches let me tell you that the answers are astonishing! For a short list of the most amazing, shocking, unnerving and frankly essential to know, high probability post singularity predictions, please contact J Industries. Have you credit card handy. Thank you.

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Shell Collectors: A short story by Me



I used to hunt with a partner, me and Malcolm ( Higgy) Higson, would arrive at our chosen spot as the tide neared low water and would comb our selected patch meticulously, using our collapsible aluminium quadrats and handheld GPS’s. I had the marine biology background and tended to do the research and Higgy had the enthusiasm ( rabid enthusiasm some said) and the vigor required to dig in glutinous mud or pull over the larger rocks underneath which the best shells were always to be found. We worked well together and we did pretty good, particularly on our trips abroad, where the big money is to be made, even after all the bribes had been paid. India was always a favorite destination with the Bay of Bengal becoming so polluted that if we didn’t take the shells they’d die out anyway and Indian ‘officials’, the easiest to ‘persuade’ and requiring the least remuneration to look away while we dug in the muddy sand or presented  our crates for air freighting back home.
But Higgy was a problem. He was really only  in it for the cash while I was  in it more for the thrill and the fascination, and, yes, for the element of competition that exists between the main players. And  I was a main player, witness the 2002 Glory of Bengal, ‘the Shining Moon’ as it became known, that was one of mine , possibly the most perfectly marked example ever found, an easy 70k and what’s more it was a genuine shell, hand picked by myself one moonlit evening, refecting back the light from my LED like a giant squid eyeball half buried in the sand. Of course the competition muttered and mumbled, the forums were full of retweets about the medio-dorsal flare ( it was 100% natural) , how traces of whitening agents had been found in the cotton wool it was displayed on when I first showed it but the shell was ‘right’ and the buyer realized that as well.
Higgy, however, thought that he could use my good name in the game as a cover for what turned out to be some seriously misjudged dealings, something that I was naively unaware of until the case of the Pendleton Vase became public knowledge…
That vase comprised a hard paste porcelain base holding a silver-gilt framework in which were mounted the three largest and most perfect Angularia dorsals ever found, their cream-pink milky translucency was often likened to angels skin. It had resided in the Wollaton Hall museum in Nottingham for over a century until Higgy, under the pretence of wanting to examine the shells in detail for a book he was preparing on decorative bivalves declared them to be fakes, moreover, nasty plastic fakes at that. This however was not the thing that attracted the interest of the national press, that came several weeks later when a police sting operation found the originals in Malcs briefcase, boxed and ready to sell. Fortunately my name was hardly mentioned and although I did appear on Newsnight it was purely as ‘an acknowledged expert’ on the field. I vowed there and then that I would work on my own from there on in. I was gaining a good reputation, business was on the up and no way did I want a partner who could foul things up. In this game, a reputation lost was lost for ever.
I really think that until that point the general public had little idea of the murky, extreme and sometimes even dangerous world of the enthusiast conchologist. Of course the rise of the serious Chinese collectors in the early years of the noughties really raised the stakes. Until then, big , important shells could fetch ten to twenty grand if perfect and from a good source but with the Chinese in play the figures soared, two hundred grand had changed hands for a stunning alabaster variant Elongata and there was speculation on just when the first quarter million pound shell would be sold. This sort of money caused a ‘gold rush’ and a lot of heavy duty characters started to enter the scene. Why search methodically, using clues from the environment ? More than 200ppm of cobalt in a limestone stratum means much better chances of  a pure blue Aractoida for example, no, why mess about with a scientific approach, taking only the best and most perfect and leaving the rest to breed when you could pay a hundred kids to grab and kill everything in the hope that there was a collectable one in there somewhere?  This type of collecting didn’t only damage often fragile populations, as potentially big shells were often damaged as well, reducing their value by 99%.
So anyway Higgy got two years suspended and we went our separate ways. I had decided that it was going to stay that way. I had my name as a (largely) ethical operator and my painstaking scientific methodology was paying off pretty well. That was until I met Rayn.
I was working my way along a particularly difficult to access section of coastline about three hundred miles north of Brisbane in an area where a filament of current from the southern ocean bought a rich supply of nutrients close inshore. I’d been studying satellite data and marine charts for some time in an effort to find some decent sized and well marked Anguilina and had spent an uncomfortable night camping rough by the side of my Land Cruiser in an effort to get down to the furthest part of the intertidal zone as soon as there was daylight. I had spent a good hour negotiating the razor sharp rocks and slippery seaweed when I heard a cry. Sure enough about another two hundred meters out a small  figure was waving in my direction frantically. There was panic in that yell so I dropped my collecting bag and increased my pace. At first I thought the slight figure was a child but when I finally reached it I found to my surprise that it was a woman in her forties. Her face was pallid and her breathing rapid and shallow, I knew immediately what the problem was; Blue ringed octopus bite……..
There is no anti venom for the bite of this animal and it kills principally by paralyzing the respiratory system, the victim can remain conscious and with a clear head but completely paralysed. Victims may die within minutes of a bite if artificial respiration is not given and this may need to be continued for several hours while the body metabolises the venom constituents. By the time I was at her side she seemed slightly detached, her breathing becoming shallower by the minute and  her pale grey eyes stared into mine, pleading. So there I am, about five hundred meters out into the ITZ with an unknown woman apparently on the verge of dying.
I said something like ‘Can you make it to the shore with my help?’ and she attempted to stand and I though we were going to have a go but almost immediately she sank back down, and seemed to slip into unconsciousness. There was only one thing to do and that was to administer mouth to mouth. I held her and breathed into her mouth and felt her lungs expand, I let her exhale and repeated …. And repeated.
It occurred to me that if my efforts to save her were to be successful then I would have to continue with this for several hours and yet within an hour we would be in several meters of water, water containing a number of unpleasant and/or very dangerous organisms.
The woman was hardly conscious, in some kind of torpid delirium, not able to move and yet her eyes bore into me when I glanced at them, I had no choice but to continue and to try and float us both towards the shore when the water became deep enough.
Four hours of mouth to mouth and she began to breath on her own, after five I was able to get her to the car. She slept while I wrapped her in my sleeping bag and eased her into the back seat. The colour was returning to her face. I had no idea who she was, I had been unable to salvage her bag or mine so I decided to get her to the nearest medical facility, at Golengong. Having deposited her at the hospital and given a statement to the local police I decided that there was nothing to do but return to the beach and try and retrieve my kit at the very least, assuring the authorities that I would return in a couple of days.
I found nothing of course except her tent and an old Honda 650 that was the only visible means of her getting to this isolated spot.
Up to that point I had never considered the woman as a person but rather as a problem for me to deal with. ‘Jeez’ I thought, she’s either one tough cookie or completely mad, quite possibly both..
At the next low water I went back down to the low water mark  to prospect for shells but somehow those panic filled grey eyes staring so imploringly into mine kept messing with my concentration and after a largely fruitless search I decided to return to the hospital to see how she was. I had a Russian client flying into Sydney in four days time expecting some big shells but I had to find out about the woman……
At the little outback hospital, she’s sitting up in bed listening to an ipod with her eyes closed as I approach with the doctor.
‘Rayn, this is Mr Withers, the person who bought you in’.
We both spoke at once, me to say ‘Call me Ade’ and her to say, ‘I know’.
There followed an awkward silence, broken by the doctor.
‘Mr Withers, erm, Ade, I’m not sure if you realize but you saved this lady’s life.’
More silence.
‘I know who you are’ she said, ‘you were also after some decent Anguilina I’ll bet, I had two beauties in my bag, small but flawless, they were destined for an investment banks foyer in Munich’.
‘I went back, looked for your bag, and mine, and I spent a few hours searching, but unfortunately..’ ‘… You found bugger all….’ she said, finishing my sentence. A habit that I was to come to know …. and to be extremely irritated by at times!
I had saved a persons life! In fact I had had no choice in the matter, nobody I think would have done any differently, agreed, I had the knowledge of how to deal with a BRO bite, that was related to my job.
Silence again.
We both spoke at the same time again:
She to say ‘ Listen, Ade, I have no idea of how to thank you for saving my life, I owe you big, big big time’.
Me to say, ‘Erm, look, I have to get on, glad to see you’re OK, anybody would have done what I did, so don’t think that you owe me.’
With that I turned and walked away, I guess it was embarrassment, how do you chat to a person who’s life you’ve  saved?

My Russian was, like all the Russians I deal with, sombre apart from when he had poured half a dozen large glasses of red down his thick muscular neck and even then he was only slightly less sombre. The fact that I had been unable to get the shells he sought didn’t seem to worry him. He listed, just as he had at our last meeting, around a dozen shells that he was specifically seeking but these were mostly south Atlantic species.
‘Oh and I hear about your recent adventure.’ He slurred in a thickening accent.
‘How on…’ ‘ I speak with Rayn, she tell me, she flying to Patagonia for me in two day’ She say for me to give you her mail.’ His iPhone was out and mine  chimed gently in response to tell me that some data had been received. ‘I surprise you not know her, she best in business, get  my green morph Heliotropsis’. He belched, rose slightly unsteadily to his feet, ‘You get shells I want, you call OK?’. And with that he was gone, staggering out into the crowds of tourists thronging The Rocks.
Now I was wondering why I had not taken more time to at least talk to her, I didn’t even know her surname for chrissakes and apart from those grey eyes, I could not easily recall even what she looked like.
It was only the next day, waiting for my flight to Hong Kong, that I looked at my iPhone and saw what my Russian had sent:
Rayn Barton-Keynes , email. Rayn@littoralis.net
Littoralis was a name I knew as a clearing house for shells from old collections, bankrupt museums, private collections and auctions, or at least that is what I had assumed as they were often able to procure, at a price, shells of great rarity and perfection the likes of which are rarely seen .
Google and Wikipedia told me most of what I wanted to know: Dr Rayn Barton-Keynes, conchological consultant specializing in rare shells and other oceanic collectables, MD of Littoralis, supplier of the finest shells worldwide. And there she was, staring out at me from the screen of my laptop, those grey eyes, so serious and penetrating despite the put-on-for-the-camera smile. Dr  R Barton-Keynes, my god, author of Gastropoda Palearctica , an oft-thumbed copy of which was even now sitting on my study bookshelf. I had aways assumed the author was some crusty researcher, hidden away in a museum office, not a player. I never read about authors, I just wanted the information in the book. Rayn was The Dr R Barton-Keynes, amazing. Now I was hooked and wanted to find out more about the person I had rescued but there was a problem, apart from various citations in the usual papers, ‘Proceedings of the American conchological society, Cochologica Acta’ etc there was nothing. ‘An International woman of mystery’ I smiled to myself. And thought about those eyes.

The next months saw me back in the UK preparing specimens and studying marine charts preparatory to my visit to the Maldives for some prospecting work. I had heard that some superb large Dactyloglottus had been excavated from the sand at low tide on one of the less explored islands and was keen to get my hands on some decent specimens both for myself and also for my Russian who had listed them as a particular target. I knew that I could get perhaps fifteen thousand dollars for a really nice one and perhaps more if it was well marked and well, the prospect of some quality time in the Indian ocean was not unappealing.
I had mailed Rayn, as soon as I had got back to the UK, but my mail was rather perfunctory, I told her about ‘our’ Russian and even said that if she were to be in the UK to give me a call but had had no reply. Then there she was, sitting on a tall stool in a Mumbai airport bar sipping a gin and tonic and flicking though a sheaf of papers.
‘Hi’ I said and she turned.
‘Ade Withers’ she said even before she had actually seen me. She smiled and I fell into those eyes for a minute.
‘I’m transiting through to…’  ‘…Male…’ she finished off my sentence. ‘Me too’.
‘Let me guess, for…’   ‘…Dactyloglottus….’ She said and we both smiled.
We were perhaps the best shell finding team in the world for a while. We became as near to celebrities as it is possible to get as Conchologists, our client list was the royalty of the shell collectors world and we became more than modestly wealthy as the years went by. Lovers as well of course.
There is always a rarer, finer, more valuable prize to be found, often involving searching in more and more extreme or remote locations. The delicate pearl like shards that were the internal shell of Littorella a gastropod living deep within glacial lakes in the Andes meant diving in heated scuba suits with special gas mixtures suited to deep diving at high altitudes. The glittering and intricate  pink supports of the tropical by-the –wind-sailor Struthiolatis  meant days or weeks at sea staring at the water surface. But the day that Rayn announced that she was going after a perfect Anthroplexius  my heart sank.
There are many fragments of this shell on display in museums around the world, many  washed from oil shale deposits, there is, perhaps the largest piece together with an artists impression on public display at the Natural History Museum in South Kensington, London. So desirable that even coin sized shards exchanged hands for four figure sums, an intact specimen had never been found although some large pieces appearing exceptionally fresh had recently been washed up on a South African beach indicating that, contrary to my currently held view, the species was not extinct.  Nobody even knew what the animal actually looked like when alive.
Of course this was attracting some considerable attention and we heard that the Johnson brothers were already down there investigating. Just the day before I had spoken with Alex Kruger who reckoned that there were already two teams of the most unscrupulous eastern block prospectors diving off the coast using gas mixtures invented for deep oilrig repair. For me it was enough to sit and wait for the results, I was pretty certain that there would be none and the dangers posed by such deep dives together with the vanishing odds of finding a specimen meant it was not worth bothering with. Rayn disagreed. It was that competitive thing, despite the science, the commerce, the adventure, the fascination, despite the success we had garnered as a team it was the thrill and prestige of being the finder that drove all of us top collectors it can’t be denied.
But this was going too far I felt. There was the risk of the dive itself, the cost of hiring the boat, the support staff, the equipment.
‘Nothing to what we could make if we succeeded, I have a list of Chinese collectors who would pay, literally anything for an intact specimen’ she said, those solemn grey eyes challenging me to disagree.
I knew well enough to let her go, what could I do or say to stop her? ‘I saved your life once’ I told her as she stepped into the bathyscopic chamber at the Institute of Oceanic Sciences, Cape Town. It was important to do some dry land test ‘dives’ in the chamber to check her ability to use the gas mixtures that would be needed. She was to spend four hours breathing an advanced mixture of Argon, Oxygen and Xenon difluoride and her metabolism and life signs intensely monitored. We were paying thirty thousand dollars an hour just for the use of this equipment but better safe than sorry... She lapsed into unconsciousness after two hundred and fifteen minutes and I had to wait for nearly two hours before the heavy door could be unbolted. She was breathing, but only slightly and I watched helplessly as she was rushed to the waiting helicopter for the dash to the Nelson Mandela teaching hospital intensive care unit.
Twice during the night her eyes opened and I was subject to that intense stare that only her pale grey irises could give.
She died at 4.30 am without ever speaking and it was only then that I understood that I had loved her.
One of the Johnson brothers died as well on an actual dive and it was claimed that he was holding a superb and complete specimen but had dropped it around 200 feet from the surface. I didn’t believe it, surely he would have had it secured to his body? The Russians left empty handed and I was left to grieve, not sure what to do or where to go.

After the burial and the inevitable interviews and questioning by the police, I retired to try and make sense of what had happened. A life for a shell? No way. Days turned to weeks and then to months. On one occasion ‘our Russian’ called on me unexpectedly. We drank red wine in silence, shells were never mentioned, eventually he gathered himself up and we stood facing each other, there was a spontaneous and monstrous hug, I think we were both crying and then he left, stomping away up the street through early spring snow.
I don’t think I even entertained the idea of any form of shell collecting for at least two years. Instead I wrote as catharsis. It was to be a work on the history of shell collecting, bringing together information on all of the greatest shell collections and collectors and of course it was to be dedicated to Rayn. This involved my visiting as many as the great collections around the world as I could and slowly I began to put my world back together. The more I worked, the more I became amazed at how these collections of nature’s beauty and subtlety put together at both financial and personal loss were so under appreciated by the public at large, at how the community of conchologists were almost completely cut off from other collectors. Not quite scientists and not quite ‘stamp-collectors’ , mostly rich and often eccentric individuals they lived for the beauty and rarity of their collections.
I was nearing the end of my researches when I received a call from  Akasi Taroda, a retired industrialist living in a small and quiet Eastern suburb of Tokyo. He asked me to come and see him as he had ‘a modest collection with one or two unusual specimens that I might like to see’. I had heard of this man once or twice as a discrete and tasteful collector who only bought specimens of extreme rarity and who never normally allowed anybody except his closest circle to see them. He had owned ‘The Shining Moon’, my most famous find for some years, or so I had heard, only to sell it on for a good profit when an even better specimen was discovered by a small group of Israeli prospectors, nobody knew how much he had paid for that one but the forums said well over four hundred thousand dollars.
‘Adrian-san’ he said to me when we were seated in his comfortable yet minimalist study, ‘ I am dying, a terminal condition I am afraid but I have come to find it a liberating experience’ his heavily lidded eyes looked deep into mine. ‘I have in my collection, an extremely interesting and quite possibly undescribed specimen. I have not wanted to bring it to public attention as I shun the publicity that this may possibly bring’. He paused and regarded me levelly. ‘ I should like you to evaluate it if you would be so kind’. It seemed to me that a twinkle had appeared in those eyes as he spoke but his impassive face gave nothing away.

‘Please to follow me’ and he rose and walked to a door which lead down a spiral staircase to a cool and spacious room with a low backlit table in the centre, the walls comprised hundreds of pale beachwood drawers, labeled in elegant Japanese brush strokes.
He walked directly to a draw and pushed on it gently, a spring mechanism sliding it silently open.

At first I could not quite make out what I was looking at. A voluptuously curved shape in translucent metallic peach, shot through with veins of deep red, probably 35 centimetres across.
‘You can touch it please’ he said ‘It is not as delicate as it looks’.
I had to wait until my hands steadied and my blood stopped pounding in my ears. When I finally lifted it clear of its mount and set it down on the illuminated table. I stepped back, unsure of what to say.
‘You realize of course what this is’ he said. And of course I did.
Anthroplexius’ I said, quite sure of my identification without recourse to any key or detailed examination.
‘Correct’ he replied, now openly smiling.
‘I am planning to break up this collection, it will be auctioned in Tokyo after my death but this, er, this specimen is unique no?’
‘As far as I know’ I replied.
‘And of a fairly high value?’
‘Well naturally, this is without question the most valuable shell in the world; tell me, how did you acquire it?’
‘I have an operative who occasionally undertakes particularly high risk prospecting for me, someone who I think you may know.’ His level look never wavered, the smile was gone’
‘Adrian-san, I know of your loss and for that I am truly sorry. When I heard about the possibility of a specimen in South Africa I was intrigued. After the loss of Dr Barton and Paul Johnson, it seemed to me that to give up on the task was wrong , I suppose you heard the rumors about Paul-san’s find?
I nodded, ‘Of course, but I discounted them.’.
‘I did not, I contracted your old partner, Malcolm-san to check out the seabed below where the Johnsons had been working and after two weeks and a very considerable amount of money spent, he found this. Unfortunately during depressurization there was an accident and he too expired, you had not heard? It seems that this shell has been collected at the expense of three lives and so I think it would be’ he paused ‘unseemly to sell it. Furthermore it has not been named, we only think it is Anthroplexius and it requires a specific name. I propose to place it into your custody both for  formal identification and for you to donate to an institution of your choice.’
Akasi Taroda was dead within a week of that meeting and the auction of his collection caused a sensation.
Not as big a sensation as when Anthroplexius raynii went on public display at the natural history museum though.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

FL Industries Corporation announce the introduction of the J-FL23 Quantum Turbo Intuition Amplifier.

You need to make a decision put you’re not sure which way to jump? You’ve weighed the pro’s and con’s and yet you still can’t decide? The decision is an important one with potentially large benefits if you get it right and yet big problems if you get it wrong?
Is this scenario familiar to you? Of course it is, decision making and the importance of ‘getting it right’ is something that we have to contend with in all spheres of life whether it’s family, business, financial or emotional and up until now its been either trust your intuition or toss a coin……
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How does the FL23 work? Our scientists at FL Industries have combined the well known and scientifically accepted practice of dowsing and cleverly enhanced it by the use of Digital Orgone Accumulation Technology (DOAT) to produce a cutting edge digital intuition amplifier based on well known and scientifically proven principles. FL Industries Corporation have been researching cutting edge Bio-dynamic effects for up to the last ten years and are widely considered to be the leading company in this rapidly developing science. Experts argue that DOAT is the most groundbreaking advance in digital intuition enhancement to date.

Independent examination of this technology has shown that use of these devices improves the chance of a correct decision  by up to 100%.!!

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Friday, June 25, 2010

ITS BEEN A WHILE……….



Gosh yes, I’m thinking back to the heady days when I would blog regularly, fired up with the latest thing to stimulate the ‘muse within’, a newspaper report or conversation with an Indian friend maybe, some small roadside tableaux observed on the way home from work etc. These days however, the muse is sadly silent and this has helped me to understand how difficult it must be for people like newspaper correspondents who simply have to deliver the goods week after week. I take my hat off to them.

Having said all that, it’s the monsoon, I’m stuck indoors with only the World Cup on the telly and so I turn to writing to keep me from going mad…………

So where, exactly is the focus of my attention these days eh? Being in India it is probably not that surprising that it’s work, with all the manifold frustrations and trials that working with people who speak English but don’t understand my version of it ( here, ‘Yes’ really can mean ‘No’), in an economic environment where reducing margins and increasing competition fuel a single minded ‘cost saving’ culture and where the combined monsters of truly pathetic  infrastructure and massively overbearing bureaucracy make everything soooo slooooow that sometimes I want to scream ( Hey, maybe I should, maybe it would do me good).  But we’ve been here before huh? And that particular lode is pretty much mined out, so I’ll move on.

Being in India in the Monsoon, and in the Western Ghats during the strongest monsoon for eight years means that rain intrudes ( quite literally) into one’s life on a daily basis, rain and a myriad other forms of moisture related hassles. Mud, for example, is fairly high up on the list as the roads turn to rivers of mud spiced with pot holes , actually pot chasms would be more apt as whole lorries can disappear into some of them. Leave something lying around for more than a few minutes and it tends to become green and furry, clothes become damp whilst hanging in the wardrobe and one never feels completely ‘dry’.The effect of the lowering dark grey clouds on the already-not-particularly-picturesque Mumbai landscape is to turn everything into a grim post apocalyptic monotone broken only by the dazzling colours of ladies clothing and the green carpet that is appearing wherever there is a patch of exposed ground. Grimy buildings with rusting fitments and streaked by black mould loom over piles of rotting garbage and old plastic waste to create a truly depressing view pretty much wherever one looks. I know, its my pathetic over sensitive western eyes that pick up on this but by ‘eck, it’s awful! People love the monsoon for its cleansing effect, by which they mean that the rains either stimulate plant growth which conveniently covers up the litter or washes it down to the sea where it is deposited in massive unlovely strands along the otherwise sandy beaches.

Mumbai is surely the fly-tipping capital of the world and I’m not talking about the occasional load of builder’s rubbish and a broken fridge or two behind a hedge on a quiet lane, despicable as that is, no, I’m talking about an organized ( laughably illegal) business that sees queues of lorries dumping anything from bio-medical waste to old chemical drums on pristine mangrove or straight into rivers. This is one of the businesses run by the mafia/politico axis that is omnipresent in India. These are serious dudes as well, you don’t mess with them, the police are in their pocket and any interference merits a bullet in the head so people just look the other way, the environment’s pants already anyway and so what harm does a few more thousand tonnes of crap matter?  The results though, are the ‘iconic’ pyramids of rubbish that line the sides of roads everywhere here, in towns it is the pavements that are often used, with any sign of paving long since buried under broken sheets of  plasterboard lovingly entwined with old syringes and decaying plastic bags. All this is then garnished by a pretty dusting of old fag packets and the small empty plastic bottles of cheap hooch so guiltily drunk by many Indian men.

And this brings me to India’s love/ hate relationship with Ethanol:  Almost universally consumed ( by men at any rate) and yet universally condemned, it is widely advertised in the most gross manner, the usual, nineteen seventies approach being used with virtual guarantees of women, wealth and power emanating from these nasty little bottles of cheap whiskey and rum. The ghost of Ghandi stands impotent above everybody, as a reminder that alcohol consumption is bad, naughty, unethical, anti-religious, frowned upon, unhealthy, technically illegal and an all round Bad Thing, which makes its consumption associated with an almost catholic guilt , with surreptitious behavior, with ‘secrets’ and with a general condemnation by ‘right thinking, god fearing, upright citizens, whoever they may be and wherever they may be hiding. Bars are considered ‘bad’ places that nobody would like to be seen in, particularly women, and so are tucked away, but almost always heaving with men going about the serious business of getting drunk. After the glitzy advertising hoardings the most common face of alcohol consumption in India are the rag clothed drunks collapsed in the streets and the drifts of small plastic liquor bottles that gather in gutters. It is a ‘hidden vice’ here and in complete contrast with China where the consumption of alcohol is done in an open and celebratory manner. Drink in India is not generally drunk for pleasure, for the taste or for the enjoyment of social situations, it is done in an almost furtive manner and it is done with the sole aim of becoming intoxicated.
The only chink of light is the growing appreciation of wine by the moneyed middle classes, it’s somehow not seen as ‘Bad’ like beer and spirits but a rather refined behavior to be cultivated given sufficient disposable income. Interestingly, despite wine being made in India for several thousands of years, it is surprisingly not well understood. Perhaps it’s because of the difficulty of matching wines with Indian cuisine. One regularly sees hilarious articles in the ‘lifestyle’ sections of the newspapers on ‘how to drink wine’ and, just occasionally I observe people in restaurants trying to display these new found skills to rather amusing effect…. I have offered wine to a number of middle class friends who ask ‘how’ it should be drunk, can it be mixed with soda? Should it be ‘knocked back’ like a spirit? Quaffed like a beer? What sort of glass should it be drunk from? Interestingly most of them say ‘I like this very much’ on first tasting, but that maybe because I’m offering them ‘the good stuff’! My feeling is that in India the view is that  its not as effective for getting drunk as spirits and is not thirst quenching like beer so what’s the point of it?

There are things I quite admire about the Indians approach to the law. Its seen as just another set of made to be ignored rules that are occasionally wheeled out to pursue some politician’s agenda or to garner a bribe. And if just about everybody flouts the law on a daily basis then the attitudes to it become, well ‘relaxed’ at the very least. We in the UK are pretty uptight about the law in may respects, and we obey it blindly the majority of the time. The Indian attitude tends to look at the law as a minor inconvenience in getting on with life. The result? Well, a kind of anarchy where the rich get away , quite literally with murder and everybody suffers from corporate greed, carnage on the roads, lazy and irresponsible service providers, advertisers telling the most enormous porkies, a lazy, incompetent and corrupt police force etc etc, but life goes on…. And many people think it is us who are the stupid ones, stupid for blind adherence to rules, stupid for not acting independently etc etc. Personally every visit to India makes me appreciate the fine judicial system and polite, hard working police force that we enjoy at home!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Why I'm no longer blogging

Painfully aware of my non blogging status at the moment and thought I’d at least blog why that may be:


Firstly, it’s simply down to the fact that I haven’t been moved to do so, or, put more bluntly, I can’t be arsed. In mitigation I would say that on the odd occasions when I’ve blogged even though I have nothing to say, I’ve always been embarrassed at the resulting prose and have therefore come to the conclusion that if I’m not moved to Blog then I shouldn’t bother.

Drilling down a little further and examining the possible reasons why the muse has not come upon me lately and I find there are a number of possible explanations:

I’ve spent so much time in India that I no longer get the ‘charge’ of mental activity, the desire to tell all and sundry about my experiences and I have a sneaking feeling that my readers may have begun to feel the same.

I’m happily engaged in many other activities these days such as photography/uploading files to my flickr site, facebook, skype, getting pissed with friends etc.

Negative comments from some quarters. ( ‘Too effervescent’ – you know who you are!)

Lack of security after comments I made about A****t**s, my sons band were lifted from this site and broadcast across the net without my permission. A good job they were positive ! Made me think twice about spouting off about anything even slightly controversial and where’s the fun in not being able to be a bit provocative?

The fact that only about two people ever read what I wrote in the first place and nobody ever commented.

Sending emails to peoples inboxes is more effective than putting stuff on a blog, and more personal.

So there you have it, seems like a convincing list of reasons to me. Perhaps you’d like to comment??? Someone? Anyone?