A red tee shirt

I want a tee shirt.

And no thanks, I do not want a tee shirt that advertises your company, I would like ( gasp) a plain one, thats right, one that has no markings whatsoever. I know I'm being difficult but its my age you see.... Now, just to make matters much much worse, I want a V-neck tee shirt, ideally with a pocket and I'd like one in White, one in black one in grey and one in red.

Easy I thought, I'll just pop into town and see whats in the sales.

As that proved a dismal, frustrating, failute, I thought maybe I'd go on line, I mean, a direct connection to all the people out there who, in this time of credit crunch and resession will be gagging to sell me a good quality plain tee shirt or four.
How wrong could I be?

Google 'High quality' Tee Shirt and there are plenty of high value TS's and lots and lots of 'low price' tee shirts but nothing in the high ( or even medium) quality range. Google V neck Tee shirts and you get lots but none of them are plain. Google Plain Tee Shirt and there are pages of TS's that are absolutely NOT plain....

Something so simple... In this day and age... and using the awesome power of t'internet and what have I found?

Precisely Sod All.

My Long Haul Travel Hell...

With a long haul flight approaching I am reminded of all the bloody annoying habits that my fellow travelers indulge in, particularly here in the subcontinent….

1) Pushing and shoving to get on board before everybody else and then faffing about and blocking the aisle so everybody has to wait while the thoughtless asshole repacks his cabin baggage.
2) Sitting down and immediately reclining the seat fully. My defense is the knees in the back, pronto.
3) Demanding a can of beer or bottle of wine immediately and becoming annoyed with the cabin crew if the wish is not fulfilled.
4) Spilling over the armrest into my seat without even a glance.
5) Talking on the mobile despite being constantly asked to turn it off by the cabin crew.
6) Pushing past without saying excuse me.
7) Removing my cabin baggage in order to fit their oversized piece in.
8) Not buckling up seat belt despite being asked to by cabin crew.
9) Cooperating with cabin crews requests to put seat upright, buckle up etc but then immediately reversing as soon as cabin crew move on.
10) Standing up as soon as the wheels touch down.
11) Pushing and shoving to get off the aircraft as soon as possible (same people as 1above).
12) Talking to me incessantly.
13) Snoring
14) Belching, burping ostentatiously.
15) Putting on the headphones and then singing or humming along.
16) Racing off the plane and then blocking the corridor by walking in a slow moving huddle.
17) Getting to escalators and then immediately standing still and blocking them.
18) Getting in the wrong queue at passport control
19) Pushing in in queues ( astonishingly common in the Middle East)


All of the above are alas commonly experienced in ‘the east’ and surprisingly much less often in ‘the west’.

How to explain?

It came to me in the night.....

I had one of those ‘it came to me in the night’ experiences last night, and yes, by it, I mean an idea. Now there is every chance that when this sort of thing happens, that is, when an idea just pops into ones head unannounced and seemingly fully formed, we tend to think that there is something funny going on, that (say) the idea has been implanted by some external agency or has been forming over a long period in the subconscious. This then leads us (or me at any rate) to think that the idea may possess some sort of ‘validity’. When in fact it is far more likely to be complete bollocks because it has actually come from the semi sleeping brain making free associations, which while occasionally yielding something of interest ( the origin of original thought?) usually produces nonsensical gobbledygook.
So anyway, what was this amazing thought then? I hear you asking.

Put simply, it is the idea that if humanity encounters a higher intelligence it will love it.

Now I am going to attempt an explanation, however, to me, it just seems so bleedin’ obvious. I mean, quite apart from the fact that the higher intelligences that we already know, some cetaceans, Gaia, God (? You already know my feelings about that chestnut) already provoke a love response in us. However I am postulating a higher intelligence that we can have meaningful communication with. OK OK! Enough with the objections already! Yes I know that there is a significant body of opinion that states that we could never communicate realistically with an alien intelligence and yes ‘meaningful’ is also a large bag of extremely wiggly worms but even so. I’m doing the postulating OK? So, we meet with a higher intelligence, by which I mean an intelligence that is at least an order of magnitude greater than our own. Say, an IQ of 1000 to 10,000 or more. This entities intelligence is such that it can rapidly absorb our language system, verbal, physical etc. It can thus engage us in conversation. It is at this point that I now think we would fall hopelessly and irrevocably in love, in fact we may even be in danger of dying of broken hearts should that love be unrequited. And you lot with dirty minds can fuck off! I’m not talking about lust here but ‘real’, ‘true’ love. And if you don’t know what I mean by that then I feel a teensie bit sorry for you….

Now, the entity or entities may have a whole raft of reasons for engendering love, they are , after all, super intelligent and we may never fathom their reasons but this does not concern me, because I am positing that real love comes from profound communication. Perhaps it all becomes simpler if I turn it around: Profound communication engenders real love…. After all communication at a very deep level requires understanding, empathy, trust, closeness. And these qualities are also required for love.

So.

When the flying saucers land we should actually expect to love our galactic neighbors , of course they will have sussed out that getting everybody to love you very deeply is surely the way to subjugate a world, so much more effective than all that crude violence with all the unpleasantness and waste that that causes. And I never said anything about them loving us…. My vision then is of a galactic empire ruled by the most effective, deepest communicators who engender deep love in all of their subjects.

‘Wacko’ I hear you thinking and probably with some justification. I’d welcome comments………..

A fun weekend

Had a visitor this weekend; a certain young Gary Rudd late of Lincoln City and allegedly Freddy and the Dreamers, freshly arrived in Mumbai on Wednesday, joined us on Friday evening at the ‘Golden Punjab’ in Vashi for a slap-up chilli prawn dinner after an ‘interesting’ and, I suspect ‘educational’ taxi ride up from South Mumbai where he had been enjoying the cream of Mumbai’s Café society for the last couple of days.
Back at the apartment, a late night ensued, fueled by Kingfisher and Golden Virginia and much setting the world to rights.
Saturday morning saw Gary, John, Vivek, Ashok and myself depart Kharghar for all points south and after pausing at the wonderful Sai Krupa for a hearty breakfast of Vada Pav and Chai and also to meet up with the other members of our group, Alix and Caroline from Hong Kong, Ramesh from Bangalore and My mate Parag. We were soon replete with victuals and heading South along the coast moving ever further away from the metropolitan influence of Mumbai and into the lovely Lonkan coastal region with its swaying palm trees and sandy beaches. First Stop Achsi beach for gulls , terms and waders but the tide was halfway to the horizon and the waders and gulls distant specks however, with scopes we were able so scan the distant flocks and were pleased to see one or two Great Knot through the rippling heat haze.
Then it was onwards to Murud for lunch and beers on the beach in the shelter of gracefully sloping coconut palms. Mr Rudd seemed to be impressed! After a long lunch of Paneer Chilli, Prawns Fry, Masala Papad and some ice cold kingfishers, and after persuading Ashok, our driver to have a go at Parascending on the huge white beach the group split up with Ramesh coming with us to investigate reports of some rare pelagics on a beach south of Murud and the others driving up into the mountains to establish base camp at Phansad. The looked for pelagics were absent but it gave Gary a chance to have a paddle in the warm clear waters of the Arabian sea and for us all to get some sand between our toes. After another stop to wander round the ruins of an ancient mosque and mausoleum half hidden in the jungle edge like some Indiana Jones film set we followed the others up the mountain and into the jungle proper…..
It is dusk when we drive along the forest tracks and pretty much dark when we arrive at a clearing to listen for Nightjars and owls. With the vehicle engines switched off and everybody quiet we squat by the track and listen in to the sounds of the jungle at night. It immediately becomes apparent how difficult it is to completely escape anthropophony these days, here, up in the mountains, deep in the jungle, in a sparsely populated area of the world, on a very still evening, one of the most prevalent sounds is the persistent distant drone of jet engines. And indeed the sky even here is rarely free of the winking lights of some aircraft plying its way across the heavens. Jerdons nightjars are calling around us and we locate one in a nearby tree by homing in on the reflections in its eyes with our torches. Mosquitoes also prove to be a constant, only held at bay by a fragrant stream of GV smoke so generously provided by Gary…… Then its back to Murud for a full on , gen-u-ine Malvani veg Thali washed down by beer and wine. Back up on the mountain, half of our party depart for the night to a high watchtower in the forest with the forlorn hope of seeing a leopard, the rest of us settle down on the veranda for discussions on, well, just about everything of importance with Gary providing entertainment with his Euke. Listening to George Formby and David Bowie covers played on a euke in the middle of the jungle is, needless to say, a rather wonderful and unique experience!
Next morning a dawn birding walk in the cool mountain air and then back down to the coast for more Vada Pav, Missal Pav and Chai before heading north back to Mumbai, cold beer and hot showers.

Whats got into J?

The saga continues: Have been prescribed Viatmin E and B in high doses as well as dietary supplements. These have had no effect save to make my skin burn and my feet swell up like balloons. Have had tests for thyroid, blood sugar, cholesterol and a few other things that I don’t understand, as on the form it says something like T4F – within normal range..?  Then I got prescribed more different vitamin supplements and a paracetamol /muscle relaxant which, thanks be to ( insert personal deity) works, in that If I take one an hour before going to bed then I can sleep through the night, unfortunately when it wears off the muscle spasms just come back. Then I threaten to fly home and am sent to a ‘top doctor’ in South Mumbai. He tells me that if I keep taking the vitamins It will get better. Whilst in his office my attention is drawn to a book on the shelf behind him. ‘The Orgasm’. He has asked for more tests and so yesterday I gave more blood, a urine sample and have my chest shaved for an ECG which I do on a treadmill. My BP starts at 130/88 and ends at 170/90, the machine spews out reams of graphs but what they mean I know not. Today I saw my doctor again who tells me that all the new tests show that there is no problem. I am told that if I keep taking the tablets it will go away. I ask the doctor what is it that I have got, what is causing the PMNP? He told me ’Your nerves have been slightly over exerted’. Gee thanks, now I understand.

So, condition still exactly the same, painkiller/muscle relaxant provides temporary relief, am told ‘it will get better’ give it time.

And now: The first Jeaunsetalk film review!

As an 'entertainment experience' 2012, on a big screen is undeniably a winner. Who could not fail to be entertained by this piece of full-on special effects hokum? So spectacular is this piece of cinematic crap that the complely rubbish story, icky sweet sentiment, cloying - faux philosophising, unscientific and generally hillarious unattention to detail that one is left with a feeling of having been, well, entertained. To be frank, the storyline is so clumsy in its attempt to hold the series of cgi set pieces together that its best not even to think about it. However, the special effects are truly unbelievably amazing on a big screen. The engineers who created this should be congratulated for achieving hitherto undreamed of levels of realism in thier depictions, in particular, of tsunamis and very large buildings collapsing. Remarkable and definitely worth experiencing.
Seen as a 'film' this is a piece of dog dirt, as an experince though, brilliant!
That I saw this in my local multiplex in Kharghar, New Bombay I think only added to the experience. The cinema was clean, had amazingly comfortable reclining seats and sported very high quality sound and display clarity. From the initial 'please all stand for the national anthem' when one is treated to a jittery low res loop of the Indian flag waving, intercut with two elderly Indian divas wailing, to the twenty minute intermission half way through the film, the seat service, where trays of fast food and colas are bought to your seat, the whole experience was satisfying and  for me educational and at less than two quid, value for money. Avatar opens here soon and so I may being going again before too long.

Cramps - Now it has a name!

Been to another doctor: Its a 'Peripheral myoneuropathy' apparently. Blood tests tomorrow to try to determine the cause, diabetes is most likely possibility I am informed.